The options really are this bad
You Might Also Like
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Life is a suicide mission.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”