The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
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[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
What?
new wife guy just dropped
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.