The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
When you’ve simply given up.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀