The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
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This is hilarious….
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy