the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
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No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.