the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

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My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine


What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!


The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?


*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*


“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert


1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened


CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder


My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.


If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.


When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”