The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
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4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Stop sending me this shit.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.