the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
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I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Erm I’m gonna say no
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.