The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
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The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice