The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
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Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
When your man makes a valid point
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Air conditioning – not a fan
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now