“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
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Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
do what now??
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.