The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
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#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
2023 was just a warmup
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
new shirt idea
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!