The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
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*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Who knew!
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Customize Your Wedding.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever