The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
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My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Hmmmmm
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order