The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
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birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.