The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
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Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS