The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
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“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
sin harder.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.