The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
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*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.