The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
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It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo