The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
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My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Not all heroes wear capes…
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened