The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
You Might Also Like
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Extremely relatable.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Autocarrot sucks!
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.