The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
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Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
*lint rolls you awake*
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..