@LizHackett My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
@SouthernStylin1 The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
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@LizHackett 
@shutupmikeginn If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
@TheAlexNevil Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
@GrillinChillin9 Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
@squirrel74wkgn [at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
@suntzufuntzu [Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
@TheBoydP Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
@ShutUpThatsWho Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
@HiddenPinky “Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
@lazy_joe_ “Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS