The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

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My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”


If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?


Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.


Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”


[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again


[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced


Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!


Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident


“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers


“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul