The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
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Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.