@SouthernStylin1

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

You Might Also Like

@LizHackett

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

@shutupmikeginn

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

@TheAlexNevil

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

@GrillinChillin9

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

@squirrel74wkgn

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

@suntzufuntzu

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

@TheBoydP

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

@ShutUpThatsWho

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

@HiddenPinky

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

@lazy_joe_

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS