The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
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Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.