The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
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I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Seems legit
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.