The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
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You make me want to be a better home and garden.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.