The pen is writier than the sword.
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*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!