The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
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*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.