The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
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John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
#Caturday
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Saw your ex at the shops
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive