@crabgirl_

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

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@DoufSaid

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

@Crunch11b

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

@tupactopus

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

@treydayway

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

@drearydoug

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

@Leslie_Annie

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

@UncleDuke1969

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”