@neiltyson

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

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@tgonefishin

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

@VeganZebra

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

@StansaidAirport

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

@noog

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

@leahlovescheez

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

@brennadine

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

@BobGolen

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

@abbycohenwl

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird