Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
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[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Her: We’re just different
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Well there goes my Wednesday night.