The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
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*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad