Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

The news is so predictable nowadays

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us

ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time

Cowboy: ok cool

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.