the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
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[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
An odd boast
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?