“The Perfect Relationship”
You Might Also Like
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”