The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
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Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Not helping
I was bored.