The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
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Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Happy thanksgiving
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
What personal space?
My dog
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
A fake ID that makes you younger