The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
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My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me