The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
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Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
How to wake up a Beagle
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”