The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
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If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk