The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
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I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises