The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
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You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.