@ddsmidt

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

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@rockymomax

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

@thehubrispanda

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

@Beerhaze

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

@erica_rosie

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

@MickSnark

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

@samlymatters

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

@brennadine

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

@NoTheOtherJohn

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.