@ddsmidt
@rockymomax [on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
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@rockymomax 
@thehubrispanda Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
@Beerhaze If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
@WienerToboggan What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
@erica_rosie One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
@MickSnark Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
@samlymatters If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
@nPhelendriqal No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
@brennadine [First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
@NoTheOtherJohn Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.