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Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Well, this is awkward
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
channeling her this year
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?