The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
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Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Maths meets science
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Succinctly put.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries