the PhD student is someone who foregoes their current happiness in order to forego future happiness
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the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.