The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
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What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]