The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
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Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
My neck my back my allergy attack
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
wishing you and yours all the best
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.