The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
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Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
mmm onion ringos
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑