the pigeons are already plenty salty
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This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Blew my mind.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
