The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
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I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
scrabbled eggs
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.