The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
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If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
mom gave me mine for free