The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
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I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
this is how life feels
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”