The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
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[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned