The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
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I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.