The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
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I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.